i need an iv and a liver transplant
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
