She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
My ATM looks so different sober.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
