U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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