I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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