my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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