Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
