mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
