Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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