last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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