maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
