Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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