I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
