Say something about gay babies.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
