I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
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His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
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He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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