so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
