I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
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Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
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He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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