They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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