It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
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