A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
