my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
