There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
