She's JV to your varsity
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
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The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
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Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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