New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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