i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
