his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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