I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
