so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
