My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
