I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
