New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
