I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
