he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
