Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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