I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
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Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
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Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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