I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
