you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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