I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
