You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
im holly from the hills drunk
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
