Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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