I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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