Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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