Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
