So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
