In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
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Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
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The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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