my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
