you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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