Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
