my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
