I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
