shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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