Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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