How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
