i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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