I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
