what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
