babies were throwing up all over the place
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
zippers are such a cool invention
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
