i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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