We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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