dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
