totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
